You know that feeling you get when you know something’s going to happen but you still refuse that it will happen until the night before. And then the next day you freak about it the entire time you do it.
I always make a joke of everything or else I’ll just get angry and sad. I end up putting off accepting that anything is real until I see that it happens. So when something important, critical, even life-changing happens, I end up not believing it’s real until it happens. The first time saying Oh this has a possibility of happening to myself is when it actually happens. Yeah, not very productive.
Most of the time I’ll do something after to make up for what happened, but it’s not like it’s a good thing to start with. What if it’s something I can’t control? School interview? Job interview? Physical injury? Death? Okay maybe not that drastic yet, but in the past I have said that I didn’t need medical care because ‘I wasn’t dying’ and refused to accept the possibility of not being involved in a sport I loved. It ended up that I sprained my ankle in two places, and I was in a brace for eight months.
Why do I do this to myself when I know it’s not helpful? Believe me I’ve tried to stop this. I can’t blame anyone but myself for this, but changing that within myself would require too much time, energy, and sacrifices that I don’t want to involve myself with. I’m already an extremely busy person and I probably sleep at most three hours every night on average. I don’t want to make any sacrifices; I’ve made far too many just to see that none of them have made the condition I was in any better.
I wish there was a cure. I wish there was some way.
But there isn’t.
Recently I was assigned a task in which I was in no way prepared for. Yes, I took meticulous notes for once in my short life, but it was not nearly enough for me to succeed. Going in blind is something often discussed within my group of friends, and maybe that’s why we are friends. We all have something in common and it’s that we plan, we get there, all hell breaks loose.
The name of this post was Not Ready Not Ready Please Don’t Make Me Do This, and I think it’s because with the mentality that I have about life overall makes me only reach a certain point before I stop doing something at all and I just won’t want to try to accept it.
If you were looking for an answer or something relatively entertaining, I don’t know and because I don’t know it will take up everything in my mind until I do.
Recently, Morganpaigeloves made a video where she spoke about her inability to approve of her own ideas and it has little to nothing to do with this post but I just like that video a lot.
Forgive me for this mess, but it’s intentional. It’s like that so that I could show you how I felt whilst performing my task.